on guilt.

I made someone mad tonight, by telling him that he made uncomfortable.  I didn’t mean to make him mad…I only wanted him to understand.  To avoid feeling that way again.  And now I’m not sure I’ll see him again.  He was so shocked that anyone would tell him he’d made them feel less than totally comfortable and safe in his presence, that a situation would ever arise that could make my statement true, that he might have run just to make it all go away (but now I’m just guessing).

And I feel guilty.

I don’t feel bad for waking him up to the possibility that he could make such a mistake.  That probably shouldn’t come as such a surprise…realistic self-awareness is a healthy, necessary trait.  Being able to see someone else’s perspective is one of those basic interpersonal skills, and I’m not sure he can see this one from my perspective.  I don’t feel bad for telling him he made me uncomfortable.  He did, and while he doesn’t need to apologize for it, he does need to make sure it doesn’t happen again.  I think I’m upset because…well, because he’s upset, if that makes any sense.

I have a thing about making everyone else happy at my own expense, and I’m working on not doing that anymore.  This is one of the first times I’ve stood up for myself so solidly.  (He couldn’t know that, of course, so maybe he saw this as an over-dramatization of a simple situation.  Which would be fair.)  To be perfectly honest I really hate that I upset someone else.  I just don’t want him to feel bad about himself!  He doesn’t need to, not over this!!  I like him as a person, I want to be around him, I want to see him smile because I think that’s a good thing.  Sigh.  I hate that I probably lost a friend by saying something.  It almost feels like the universe is saying, “That was a poor choice… don’t do it again.”  If I hadn’t though, I might’ve ended up in that situation again and that wouldn’t be good (I might not have ended up there either, but to let that be a possibility…).  I might’ve gone back down that “Keep your thoughts to yourself because you’re crazy and they’re not” path.  I can’t do that again.

Okay I’m done feeling sorry for myself for the night.  Does anyone else hate Valentine’s Day??  (I’m bitter for reasons other than the above)