on apathy.

Two posts in one day…wow.

Today, a friend told me something surprisingly enlightening (not that I find her lacking in wisdom, but I was not expecting this particular statement to be so extensively applicable).

The conversation started when my friend told me that she has decided to go back to therapy. I think this is wonderfully honest and self-empowering…it’s hard to admit it when we need extra advice, support, or guidance (duh, you know that). My friend is so careful about taking care of her body and mind–she exercises, meditates, keeps a journal, etc (I don’t know where she gets this motivation, but I am impressed)–so it’s not like she hasn’t done everything to figure it all out alone. Her reason for seeking counseling is that she’s been working on figuring out…everything (we’re in that stage of our lives) and she decided she simply can’t do it alone. What I found shocking was the other half of her reason: “I don’t always care about my own well being.”

This is not, of course, a new concept. For those with depression, it’s old news. Of course you stop caring about your health, future, and whatever else during a depressive episode…we all know that. It’s on the standard list of symptoms…apathy.

What about, then, outside of our depressive episodes? What about that week when you feel lonely and more than a little weak compared to the rest of the world? What about the winter (FOR AN EXAMPLE LOOK OUTSIDE BECAUSE IT’S AWFUL) when you know it’s not a full blast of depression but you know (from experience) you’re not going to be at your best? Or those who only have SAD? We know it’s not that we don’t care about our well being. We’ve done so much to get to where we are–our jobs, our educations, our relationships with our families and friends–so it could not possibly be that we don’t care. Some of us care a whole hell of a lot, otherwise we’d have been long gone (see previous post…sorry, it’s weighing a bit on my mind today).

Personally, I’ve done so much in the last three years to prove that I do care, that I value the people around me, that I really do love and deserve this life and the blessings I’ve been given. I’ve earned back my parents’ trust, created healthy, stable, lasting friendships, started at a new university, changed majors, gotten my grades back up, found and kept more than one part time job… (please excuse my little self-affirmation). So why, oh why, do I start to throw those amazing things away (like literally right now, when I’m writing this post instead of sleeping so I won’t be falling asleep at work in the morning)? Why do I stop caring about my own well-being? Why does anyone?

Wait. I think I’ve found the right question. Whoa. The writing process is killer sometimes…this just got fun. Okay. Sorry.

Why does anyone get apathetic? Hm. Answering that is going to be hard. I guess we get busy, caught up in other things. Or we mix up our priorities and do things that don’t matter as much in the long run (but I can’t think of one right now…laundry, maybe? But living in a messy space isn’t good for your brain…now I’m lost again). Perhaps we care more about feeling relaxed, comfortable, that we let the important stuff slide. Which is a nice way of saying we get lazy.

Okay. This last one is probably me. Supposedly the solution to this is finding something that truly motivates you and hold onto it. Any suggestions?!